The Start of 2010

I don't like hospitals. Knock on wood- I've never been the patient lying in the hospital bed but I still don't like hospitals. I never thought it was possible to love and hate the same thing at the same time, until I met Primary Children's Medical Center. Now I know that anything is possible.
One place has such wonderful memories. I remember the thousands of rolls of pennies that we would throw into the old fountain. I remember trying to time the water wheel just right so that you could watch a penny ride around in a circle and then fall to make all your wishes come true. I remember walking around the displays of dolls and stuffed animals around the elevators because we needed something to keep our minds off things. I remember hopping on the different colored squares in the carpet, making games with my sisters. Eating in the cafeteria. Ordering more mozzarella sticks than the family could eat. The more I try and remember the good times, the more times come to mind.
But.....it also has memories that rip my insides out. I hate the waiting. I hate the smell. I hate how clean everything is. I hate the white and green on the parking lot signs. I hate the colors of the doctors' scrubs, covered in little flowers or polka dots or dinosaurs. I hate the little ferris wheel village by cardiology. I hate understanding that that look in everyone's eyes is fear. I hate knowing how a heart can work if only half of it exists. I hate the pit in my stomach that grows every time I hear my parents say that Carrie has a doctor's appointment. I hate the emotions that travel through me because I have seen all sides of that hospital. I hate that they took out my fountain.
January 5, 2010. My year is starting with Primary Childrens. And it could possibly be filled with only good memories. It could be filled with bright squares on the carpet and a stomach full of mozzarella sticks. It could be. I don't mean to be a downer. I don't like downers. So here is me trying not to be a downer. This could be the answer that we have waited for. And it isn't like I am going to be on the hospital bed this time either. I won't be. I'll be the one walking around, trying to find something to do to help my parents and my baby sister. Carrie is one tough cookie. She is a fighter. I wish I was as hardcore as she is. I want to be, for her. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. Here's hoping this one ends in a happy ending.......